Friday, 18 March 2011

Love - A Money Story

I grew up in scarcity. I grew up wishing I had responsible, rich parents, so I wouldn't have to live in fear every day, as I did in childhood/adolescence.

Somehow I always managed to get some guy, who was from a family that was well off. I wasn't intentionally searching for them, I was searching for smart guys. Turns out that people with smart genes usually come from families that knew how to use those genes. Mine was inhibited by alcohol. It was early on in my life that I started noticing that wealth is something one is predominantly born into, and therefore has a better chance at stability in life than one that wasn't born into it.

When I was little, I had many questions about the world. I could see my parents being unhappy together, yet forced to stay together because of us, the children. I tried imagining what my future will be like, will I also have to marry someone, just to be economically safe? And then be as unhappy as my parents? Do I really have to get a job, in which I'll spend the best years of my life, and then slowly wither at the whim of... whom? I couldn't see myself having children, although I tried imagining that too. I thought: so at 22 I have to have a child, like my mom. And then what? My life is over? I want to live my own life, not spend it taking care of some other being... I want to experience life for myself, not exist just so some other being could experience it.

None of it made sense, really. So I made myself a compromise in my head - I will have a few boyfriends, and then I'll marry someone, but I could never really see myself doing that either. It was a thought that was based on the social programming of "what we must do with our lives".

Then I met my first boyfriend, and I was "in love" for the first time, high on hormones off my tits. He asked me whether I'll be his forever, and I froze. "No", I said honestly. He started crying. I panicked that he would want to leave me, if I don't do something, and I really liked the sex and proximity, so I added to the answer: "Only 'till the end of life."
He saw straight through my deception, but chose to beLIEve it, and hope that I might change in the future, if only he waits long enough.

After 2 yrs had passed and the hormones wore off, I started looking at other guys, and after 4 yrs I couldn't take it anymore, and asked him for an open relationship, to which he responded with freaking out. By then I was used to him protecting me (from my unstable family), and me not having to work much, although I did have jobs. We were both becoming bored with each other, so we turned to experimenting with drugs to keep life interesting, as sex was not that interesting anymore.
That and studying and working kept me occupied for the next 4 years, but when the chance presented itself - I cheated on him, because I was missing the thrill of falling in love. At that point I have realised that love is nothing more than economic security, because I was fearing for mine, when I was facing the breakup due to cheating. I remember telling myself in the end: "Fine, I'll get a regular job, take care of myself, I can't take these limitations anymore."

I kinda fell for the guy that I cheated with, but he was a player that didn't have any serious intentions with me. When I realised that, I started chasing my own highs of proving myself as desirable and wanted with guys, and got myself a trophy - the most perfect guy in all senses, but way too young for me. However, I did feel on top of the world for fucking the most gorgeous, smart guy of many talents.

Afterwards I fell in love with a guy, who represented everything I wanted to be, and at that point I realised that I want my partner to give me worth, because I cannot give it to myself. I realised that I fall in love with people that I want to be like.

This is the last time that that has happened. I am deprogramming the construct of "falling in love".

A month ago I met a guy, who is the ultimate thisandthis, and a thatandthat to boot. I couldn't believe the combination, and I was totally thrilled. I allowed myself to go into the possession of "this is the coolest guy in the world", only to find myself compromising myself for that particular definition. I was enduring much of his ego abuse silently, but I did apply self-forgiveness as much as I could, and I have gained awesome stability.

It was interesting to see the desire for comfort and safety show up, after I found out that he is also well-off. First I reacted with the attitude of "I don't need no man to take care of me," but as we went further into the relationship, he started talking about buying an apartment. At that point the desire to be safe came up. I decided to be completely honest with him and tell him that I would be prepared to take on the role of his girlfriend in the matrix, and proposed a trial period of six months, to which he subtly agreed.

My backchat got worse, however. My mind started projecting various thoughts into the future of our life together. Images of me having to present myself to his parents and friends, show off my intellect and breasts, to make up for his perceived shortcomings in my appearance.

I was basically planning deception, lol. Starting point - fear of not being safe in the future. Not having a home. Not dying a dignified death. Being a victim of the system.

Which was my starting point for becoming involved with Desteni in the fist place.

After I had agreed to let my hair grow, but stating that I will have to shave it off eventually again, he started pushing his limits. He wanted me to quit Desteni, and started manipulating me and looking for proof that Desteni is a dangerous cult.

I remember being embarrassed to be associated with Desteni as well - the knowledge and what goes on within Desteni is simply too out-of-this-world for an average human to perceive it as being possible. Yet it is. Therefore I'm sticking to it, no matter what.

It's also interesting to see, how we can perceive ourselves to be lonely in a world of 7 billion humans. How did we come to such separation? Money - fear of survival - we stopped talking to each other, and built bigger fences, bolted doors, security cameras, to protect what is ours, so the evil people, who have less, wouldn't steal it.

We didn't exist like that in socialism in Slovenia - we played outside, everyone had a home and a job, people were taken care of to some extent, and therefore much friendlier with each other. Now they avoid eye contact due to the excessive activity of the inner hollywood that developed in us through capitalistic TV shows. Everyone wants to be a superhero, and everyone wants to win.

Who looses?

Those, that have been loosing forever - those born into poor families. Those, who have no voice. Those, who we should stand for. We cannot keep ignoring the cries of Life, because the Wrath of Nature is going to get us all. The human will either stand up to end the abuse of life with an Equal Money System, so that real, unconditional love may emerge, or we are done for. Laptops and iphones can't do shit against earthquakes. Money can't do shit against earthquakes. We're going to have to step together and help each other, one way or another. I'd prefer it was the political, and not the postapocalyptical way. Postapopolitical... I wish it didn't come to that, because I will be among the majority to die in that apocalypse. I've noticed that no one else thinks that way, when they say that there has to be an apocalypse that wipes out two thirds of humanity. That logic... is subtly off.