Sunday, 6 December 2009


Anger. The fuel of consciousness. It feels so righteous and empowering, doesn't it? One could crush the world in a single breath, when angry.

How totally opposite of the truth. Anger is the most wrongtuous and disempowering thing the mind could come up with. Self-deceptive.

What is anger? Anger is the mind's cover up for lack of understanding that we are always, in fact, angry at ourselves.

This should be VERY clear to parents, who get angry at their children for something they apparently did. If a child (toddler) throws food on the floor while you're feeding it, and you get angry, you're harming the child. How? Because the child does not yet know what you know (i.e. clean surroundings), and you're angry at it without reason. So the child feels the anger, but knows not the source of it, and is therefore confused. You, however, are avoiding responsibility for making sure that it didn't come to that, by being angry at the child.

Jealousy is, at this point, another fascinating thing to observe: it is the result of fear of loosing an outside source of recognition and sex. We get jealous when those points get threatened.

It has been established a long time ago, that all feelings and emotions are indirect results of either love, or fear. I would go even further than that, and say that they are all an indirect result of only fear. Even love is a consequence of fear. A child loves it's parent, because it fears loosing it, because it's existence would be in danger. A partner loves the other partner because he or she fears losing them, in that losing a source of recognition and sex, perhaps even monetary stability. Parents love their children, because they place hopes in them, to live the things that they never did, so correcting their past mistakes through them.

When we break it down, love always becomes something that is way less flattering than the divine concept, we know it to be. Of course we are going to keep deceiving ourselves, that it exists, because then we do not have to face the obvious deception that is going on within us.

Love does not exist. It never has, and it never will, in the form that we keep making it to be.

The sooner we realise this, the sooner real love can emerge. Real love, that will facilitate some real changes in this world.

It starts with every being loving itself. In order to do that, one has to know oneself. When one does that, one realises that everyone is the same. When one does that, one sees oneself in every person on the planet. When one sees oneself in every person on the planet, one does not want to harm anyone. One is actually aware of oneself, life, and all beings in it, as equal.

Cheers to that.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

want, need, require more!

WHAT IS IT that we are looking for? What is it, that makes us unhappy, and makes us want ever more, even though we have everything? Personally, I have a roof over my head, a big bed, two computers and a connection to the internet, yet I always want more... more of what? Money. Why money? Because money buys everything. Yes, even love.
But what is that thing that we are REALLY looking to buy with all that money?

Recognition. We crave, need, breathe, eat, live off recognition. If there was no one around to recognise us, boy, we'd be in trouble. That is why we are called "social beings".

There is an interesting phenomenon in humanity, amongst women especially. We cannot stand to be alone for too long. We need human interaction. Why? Because someone is giving us recognition. Why do we value ourselves according to how many friends we have? This is interesting to observe with facebook these days; people are so proud to say "I have 200+ friends on facebook"

If we observe ourselves in groups of more than 2 people, we tend to think fast, to come up with the most impressive thought, that will redirect the attention to us.

Why do we all deep down envy celebrities? Because they get all of world's recognition at once. Oh, imagine the enjoyment of that. We envy, and we get spiteful, and then hateful. Because, deep down, every single human being wants that kind of recognition. But because we don't have it, we watch the celebrities fight amongst themselves for even more recognition! Is this fucked up, or what?

Thing is, the celebrities are not happy either. Even though they have all the recognition they want, and more. To the point of suffocation, really. Yet they are not happy, evidently. Why is this?

I have mentioned several times before, that no one can give us, what we need, if we cannot give it to ourselves.

What each and every human, within humanity as a whole, has never had, is self-recognition. No one in this world actually recognises self.

What do I mean? From the time we were born, we were bombarded by knowledge. At first it didn't matter, because we were not talking. We were communicating with sounds, and we were learning the basic physical laws of our bodies through dropping things, falling, walking, tripping, screaming, and so on. Our bodies learnt this automatically, there is no mind involved in the process of walking.

The problem became when the information started seeping in through words of our parents, who made us do the things THEY wanted us to do, not necessarily regarding us in the process. Thus they programmed us to behave in their way, trust only their judgement, and we never learned to trust ourselves. So, in essence, we don't know ourselves. We do not recognise ourselves. What in our thoughts did not at some point originate from an outside source? Virtually nothing. We did not really direct ourselves since the time we began to speak, around age 2. Since then we have been reacting to information from our parents and surroundings; in that developing a personality, which is nothing more than a bundle of reactions to information, unaware of self. We were conditioned to fit society, so we wouldn't stray. Because, if we didn't, each and every single one of us would have strayed in self-honesty. But we were forced to follow certain paths, and in that had to allow self-dishonesty in our lives, in order to survive. Hence all the battling with parents.

So, in essence, we have never really applied our self. Someone else always applied it for us. Hence all the teaching and conditioning we had to go through. So we could be applied.

Hasn't it been enough? I'm tired of being an application, really. I'm tired of having to serve in order to survive. I'm tired of everyone having to serve in order to survive. Service is the point of our existence. We are but automated programs. Not perceiving ourselves as such, but do you think that Google knows it's an application that supports the whole world?

The programming is our mind, conditioned in such a way to never be able to trust ourselves but always seek recognition from outside. It is time to stop this madness, and breathe.

Till here, no further!

Sunday, 22 November 2009

the relationship mayonnaise

I'm going to be writing about relationships and honesty, and how, in this world, the two are like oil and water. They do not mix. You can try and force them into an emulsion physically, but with time that emulsion will go bad and the substances will separate again. Just like ANY relationship in current time.

The thing is, people are becoming more aware of some kind of autonomy over themselves. People are starting to act more in accordance with the "living in the moment" paradigm, rather than the old-fashioned "think about tomorrow" one. Why? Because the former allows more self-honesty. This is also a direct consequence of the current economy, that does not allow young people to be able to think ahead, because thinking ahead means enslaving oneself through debt, to work for 40 years, just to be able to afford a very modest home. This, combined with the Internet, and limitless access to virtually all knowledge, makes people reluctant to engage in the established social paradigms. They are starting to think for themselves, and reality is starting to tear at the seams, because the social systems are facing humanity's self-honesty, and shit is hitting the fan.

More honesty with self. What am I talking about?

I recently had a friend tell me that he had a dream about me, and that it freaked him out. I had three friends tell me that they had dreams about me, but that's beside the point, really. The info is just for non-freaking out purposes by certain people, who might be reading this. Moving on.

Dreams are really point-specific, if one pays attention. It's the shit that surfaces from the subconscious mind during sleep. That means that, even if we don't think about something during waking time, it is still there, in the subconscious. And if it represents a problem, it surfaces in dreams. We really suppress much shit, to be able to survive in the social systems.

This friend's dream was indicating some point of dishonesty to self. He has a girlfriend, so it would be seen as "bad" by society, if he started having thoughts about anyone else, than his girlfriend. And in his conscious mind he doesn't, but his subconscious mind doesn't like that. So it does it in his dreams. Why did it freak him out? Because deep down he knows, what the dream means. And he doesn't want to go there. And that, my dear friends, is self-dishonesty right there, readily accepted and allowed. Ready to make some mayhem in the mind, when the opportunity arises.

I'll give another, more powerful example. I was in a relationship for almost 10 years. Around 2 years into it, I started feeling restless. Around 4 years, I knew what it was, that I was restless about. I was attracted to other guys, and had to lie about it to my boyfriend, because I loved him. At that point I tried to lie to myself, to be self-dishonest, but I couldn't. I proposed an open relationship, and the guy freaked. So I kept on going and going and going, making myself more and more miserable, because I was afraid of loosing him. I was self-dishonest to the core. I accepted being in a relationship, that did not fulfill me, because I was afraid of being alone. Why was I afraid of being alone? Because, if he left, there'd be no one, to give me reassurance on my insecurities, that have roots in my childhood. The funny part is, that he never could give me enough reassurances, and I was always looking for more, which always lead to arguing and fighting. Many years later I realised how unfair it is, to be asking that of someone, and how relationships are a fuckup, essentially, because there can exist no HONESTY within them. Unfortunately, no one really realises this, because all these processes take place on a subconscious level. BUT... it is possible to get to know one's own subcoscious, I am living proof for that. Makes life a whole lot easier, too, and all it takes is asking the question: "why am I doing/thinking/feeling this?"

If everybody did that, whoa, the world would be a better place.

So, my dear friends, relationships cannot coexist with honesty, because entering a relationship has a dishonest starting point alltogether. It is validating oneself through another, and it never works, we are never happy in relationships. Because, ultimately, no one can give us, what we cannot give ourselves.

There is an alternative to this: agreements. Two people enter an agreement in full honesty that they do not know what the future might bring, but they will support each other whatever it might be, and not have to lie about what is going on. It only works in self-honesty from both parties though, so it's not as 123 as it sounds. Needs a lot of working on oneself. Knowing oneself. Otherwise you just end up torturing the poor being like in a relationship.

We have allowed much shit within our own minds by bending ourselves to systems that are inherently abusive of life. And by that we have allowed abuse of life itself. It manifests as 6000 hungry children dying each day in India, and 1 000 000 000 people going hungry this year. That's ONE BILLION, in case you were too lazy to count the zeros. Each and every single one of us allowed this. How? By living in our tiny worlds, limited to only ourself and those around us, lost within our minds, and reacting to every useless thought that comes up.

I have distanced myself from all this a little, and now I look at people. They seem like programmed robots. I know exactly how they will react to a specific situation. Like zombies, really...
Lost in relationships, and senseless spending of money, looking for that "something", a way to release from the undefinable restlessness inside... That "something", which they will never find, because relationships and money lead them away from it.
It takes a look inwards to find it. And once you do... you don't need relationships and money (not as much as before, anyway) :D It's a funny world.

This is not necessary. We can change this, really. Each and every one for ourself. Just know yourself. Nike. -> May it lie among the ashes of consumerism, as a monument on the grave of consciousness, fertilising a new world of awareness. Cheers.

Monday, 26 October 2009

Processing :)

I'm at it again. Writing, to see what the fuck.

I was watching a TV show, and there was a scene, where this young woman completely lost it, because her lover was killed. She was screaming in agony, crying and tearing at her hair, completely oblivious to the fact, that she can control it, and that there is no death.
I used to be like that. Everyone else around me still is like that. And they do not want to know about the truth, which is something that rather baffles me, still. But I should be focusing on why that is so important to me. Because I fear myself, ultimately. How is that possible? Anna explained it, but I forgot. And that's why I still go around, wishing people knew the truth. So I wouldn't have to jump through other people's mind's hoops, to get something done.

I looked at my hands intently today, for some reason... It was like a moment of clarity, of amazement, of gratitude, it was like Me bypassed the mind for a moment, and I thought of Veno, and Jack, and probably many others, who have said, that it is such an amazing thing, and just wait and see what happens, when you start deprogramming. I bet it feels something like this. It's awesome, really.
It happens every now and then. Maybe it's a routine system restart, every 3 months or so, that allows me to see it for but a moment. I like computer analogies.

I fucked up with the open letter, because I'm eager for people to know, and I fear myself. What a fucking crockery, come on... I ask myself at this point, do I really not fear death? Giving up the physical? I would not be pleased with loosing it, but I wouldn't panic either. I'd still be spiteful, if I had a short period to live, though. I like the physical, I've always appreciated it, been intrigued by it, always tried to experience it to the fullest, alone. I like being alone. Away from the lying, pretending people. Away from having to lie and pretend. Yet I do it. And it causes friction in me, because I still care what people think of me. I'm having a tough time figuring out how to present myself to people, whom I have to "use" for self-interest, like bosses and related.

And now I have to sleep. But I think I realised something while writing this. I fear myself. I really really fear myself, and I should just stop.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

An open letter to all of my friends

Before you start reading this, I implore you to take half an hour of calm time to do it. Please watch the Youtube links as you go along, so you can understand what I'm actually writing about.

If you choose to not do that, you should just abandon the idea of reading this letter, and stop deluding yourself that you're my friend. This might sound a bit harsh, so let me put it another way: If I'm your friend, you will show me the respect a friend deserves, and watch the vids, to fully understand what I am talking about.

So I was bored one day, and my mind was going all psycho on me with the usual ego things the mind does. It was a general dissatisfaction, and basically it boils down to "I'm ugly and I don't have enough money". If ANY of you cannot relate, you are not my friend, but you should read this anyway.

I worked in a crappy job with a crappy boss at the time, and I felt quite shackled, really. I posted on Facebook that I want my freedom, which I was born with, back. Tanja replied with a sad invite to coffee, saying that she feels exactly the same way. We made a date, and I went on killing my time on Youtube, thinking "wouldn't it be nice if something really happened in 2012, like an awakening, or an Armaggeddon, at this point I'll take whatever you've got, Existence!"

I should mention at this point that by then I had mainly released my fear of death, because I saw this documentary on Discovery about a five year old boy, who remembered his past life. It was eerie, watching a 5yr old play and jump around, and be all childlike, while talking about his past life... It was mindblowing and awakening, and science doesn't get it. So don't even try to come up with extra justifications for what "might be happening", don't try to reason your way out of this one, because you'll fail. You won't be satisfied. If you would be, you'd be beyond help. Just check it out.

So I always had a profound wish to know how life works, that's partially why I got into science. The other part was my father's influence, who, oh so, always wanted to study biology, but wasn't allowed by his parents. Therefore I completely disregarded my true natural talents, and fucked up completely. I'm really a composer by nature, music just pours out of me like diarrhea. Or like a mountain spring, whichever pitches your jiff.
Anyway, I was always intrigued by the paranormal as a child, and I read up on the subject quite a lot. These paranormal events have been scrutinized by the scientific method extensively, yet to no avail. No answer was ever satisfying.

Many of you have probably seen the movie The Secret - Law of Attraction. It is a quite commonly known secret, really. It's ye olde "What goes around, comes around". What a hoax, but not intended by the producers of the movie, really. They acted in pure faith and "love", goddamn mind-existent crockery... I implore all of you right now to take one goooood look at the world as a whole, and show me the love, and I'll show you an ice cream truck in the middle of Sahara. I'll even buy you an ice cream. Chocolate chip with almonds and curry, or whatever crazy thing they'll make up to sell as "new and fresh", although it makes no direct sense to make it. Seriously, chocolate with cayenne pepper? Do any of you fall for that shit?

Why am I mentioning the Secret? Because a participant in there intrigued me. A woman, her name is Esther Hicks, and she channels a group of beings who she calls Abraham.

A channel is a person who can, through meditation, come to a state where other beings can use it's body. Beings from the afterlife. Dimensional beings. Not necessarily just deceased humans, mind you.
Many new-age bullshitters go around training to become channels. Oh yeah, you can do that. Anyone can, if I understand correctly. But it's an ego thing, really. "Oh, look at me, I speak to the dead, look how cool I am, praise me."
The phenomena was observed by scientists. They hooked a channel up to an EEG. The channel's brain was in Delta state (remember your high school psychology, people) the whole time the channeling was happening (another being talking through the body). That, of course, is not possible, because the Delta state is the state of solid sleep, no dreams, nothing.
Of course, they never came up with a satisfying answer, so they just dropped the whole thing, and who can blame them.

Another movie I'd like to mention is What the Bleep do we know, which deals with the quantum physics plus religious perspective on reality, which is also highly limited, but an interesting thought occurred to me while watching it: no scientist in the right mind will allow himself to talk about god, or anything paranormal. I wouldn't, anyway. We're programmed that way, to fear peer criticism. A biologist, Rupert Sheldrake, dared to suggest such a thing as "morphic fields", and got stabbed at a convention in 1985 by a little hyperactive Japanese man, who was probably the guy who invented Meth. :P
But now... heheh, quantum physics is on the rise, and deals with the questions of Existence, and no one dares say a word to those guys! It cracks me up that physicists are currently the only scientists who can talk about god! It's hilarious and beautiful in it's perversity. If you observe this world a little without constant thoughts, emotions and feelings rushing through your head, you'll notice that everything in it is in reverse. Whatever you think, due to general social acceptance, like, for instance "I have no control over my mind", is actually not true. This works on all levels, and George Carlin put it so beautifully:

land of the free, home of the brave, the press is fair and impartial, justice is blind, all men are created equal, your vote is important, the United States government is on your side, the army is here to keep the peace, the police are on your side...Oh, and freedom of choice, this is the big one, the illusion of choice, we're led to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choices. There are, for instance, important things -- not too many choices, unimportant things-ice cream flavors, what do you want, we've got 31, the flavor of the week, the flavor of the month, but political parties-we're down to two, jeez.


Returning back to my generally dissatisfied Youtube browsing, I typed in 2012, and it comes up with such shit, you wouldn't believe. All the false prophecies are there. Of all religions. All religions are false, you must have came up with that one on your own, otherwise you're not my friend. But you should keep reading anyway :D

And then one video jumped out. This one

I implore you to watch this video, before reading on. Please.

I knew what was going on when Sunette's body (the woman in the video, and at first I thought it was a 12 year old boy) breathed in. There was a dimensional being in there who is probably going to speak about something great, yet unimportant. They usually infallibly speak of great things, but say nothing applicable, really. Pretty and totally useless. Like so many things in life.

Yet... what I heard here blew me away. It was a hard slap in my face, and it woke me up.

There were a million and one related videos from the same Youtube channel, and for the second one I chose Hitler, telling his story about his life on Earth through this woman.
I kept watching, and wondering... Is this real?
The expression on the girls face were genuine, you cannot act like that, it's not possible (if you look at it in self-honesty, without worrying what other people's opinion of your opinion will be, you'll see it).
Is it possible that she has a multiple personality disorder, and all of the personalities are people from history, and she spent most of her life brainwired to Encyclopedia Britanica?

While Hitler spoke, he came to some realisations about himself, and he cried, and that was not acted either. I started watching more... Marylin Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jim Morrison, Curt Cobain, Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Bruce Lee... the list goes on and on and on.
Here, check out the list, it's so immense, and all of these videos were created in ONE YEAR.

Common Sense dictates that it isn't scripted, or played, because the immensity of it all would require many many years of brainstorming to come up with material like this, and SO CONSISTENT!!! AND one would need the best actress in the world, who would have to get 40 Oscars for the acting she does.

Naturally, I was intrigued, which braindead person does not wonder about Death???

So I went to the website, and it blew me even further. The immensity of the material overwhelmed me. Hundreds of documents typed through this girl by dimensional beings, explaining how life works. All the subtle details. I just started reading, and I have a lot more to read. All of my questions about life are being answered through Common Sense. It's irrefutable.

The effects of the knowledge I gained have been extensive. I've become so much more stable in the head, I immediately recognise the origins of my thoughts, and other people's thoughts as well. Some of you seemed constantly baffled at how well I understand you... It's because I can relate!

The thing is, my dear fellow human beings, that we are all the same. We might have different programming, regarding to our environments, but we all run on the same machine code. Seriously. Why do you think mind reading takes place? Same thoughts to multiple people in groups? Come on, people, Common Sense, there is nothing paranormal about it. Yet the subtle intricacies of the workings of the human are yet to be understood by science. I've stumbled upon a better source. By pure accident.

I was reading a document on how the mind actually works, and it blew me away again, because it was so detailed, AND it explained how thoughts manifest pains and illnesses and ageing. I had a funny experience shortly after that, when I felt a sharp pain, remembered the thought I was thinking, had a hunch what it meant, checked on the forum, and I was spot on. My body was telling me I have a problem in my mind. I dealt with it, and the pain did not repeat itself. But that's really beside the point.

The point is that all humans are slaves of the mind. We react, instead of directing ourselves. And most of you aren't even aware that it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to suffer, feel bad, worry, cause stress to your physical body, and constantly play ping pong with the mind from past to future. Really. I promise.

There are some people in my life, who were just about ready to put a halo on my head, not understanding how I can make so much sense to them and understand them. But they did it mostly out of self-deception, because my sense was Common Sense. We all run on Windows, remember? Even Macs (the artists among you :P) can run Windows now.
We are all the same, and I just chose to understand that.
So all of those knightings into the elite of intelligence and resoundingly hollow praising feel like a fools victory, really. It's Common Sense, after all, and not choosing to see that is choosing to not understand self, to remain deluded within the mind.

There is no purpose in Existence, but there is no purpose to staying within this state of mind either, thinking we have no control, reacting instead of directing ourselves, blissfully ignorantly contributing our own little percentage to the mess in the world. Everyone is equally responsible for what's happening globally, and I'm not talking global warming, I'm talking rape, war, murder, hunger, poverty, child abuse, Britney Spears, Barrack Obama, those kind of things. We choose to "give our power away" to the feeling of helplessness with various justifications, because we're seemingly ill-equipped to deal with reality.
Reality cannot be changed, because there is a whole planet of beings who have their own realities in their heads.
It won't change until the human robot realises it's programming, and starts stopping it.
We do have control. It's quite beautiful.

Man, know thyself!

Monday, 12 October 2009

Arrgh, my settings are in Slovenian!

I "always" thought it'd be a good idea for English to become the only language, since it's so simple and specific.

So this is my first step in writing myself to freedom.

It's about time I stop harassing my friends and family with endlessly long mails about how wrong the world is, as I know I have ultimately been writing to myself.

I just remembered a friend who was abusing me on the phone for endless hours for the same therapeutic reasons... I allowed myself to listen to her describing her whole day in detail, so she would feel better. I was so proud of our friendship, although she was a backstabber, like we all are, more or less. I wanted to be like her, because she represented something that I was not, pretty much the only reason for wanting a relationship with someone. I have transcended that friendship a while ago, albeit through ego, but now when we see each other I try to support her with information that helped me in the beginning of process, adjusted to what I know of her own experience of the world to be.
My only advice to people is to stop the mind and focus on the breath, the first thing that worked for me, because it literally restarted me, when I had an overload.
But then I start wanting to explain the massive amount of knowledge I have gathered, and try to make it sensible to the indoctrinated one that I'm speaking to, and in that I fuck with myself.

I've had this reluctant messiah complex for years... I've always wondered about the points of unfairness in the world, and I always tried to help other people instead of focusing on myself. Because I wanted to be helped and saved, outendly. But no one will help and save me, I will have to stand up from within this literal fuck up I have accepted and allowed in this life.

I have been self-dishonest to the point of being nowhere even in the System...
I've allowed myself to disregard my primary talent, which is music, as a calling. I played the violin, and I always thought I wasn't good enough, and I wasn't that good, to tell the real honest truth :) Although my mother told me recently that my father, who was a violin professor, had a high opinion of me. But he never told me. I have good hearing, and I played well, but I was too lazy to develop any 'concert master' skill. I gave up in puberty/adolescence, when my mind was going particularly hysterical due to the situation in the family. Alcohol, cheating, screaming, financial instability... "and more!" (TV advertisement voice)
My father was into science fiction and inspired me through life to become a scientist. But I was never -that- good at math, and when combined with my laziness/focusing on others, it manifested my failing to finish my Microbiology studies. The subject did interest me though, and now I can accept info from Veno a whole lot easier than I ever expected to, because it makes sense even in my biological training terms :)

So this is the surface... I'll go in more depth later.