Monday, 26 October 2009

Processing :)

I'm at it again. Writing, to see what the fuck.

I was watching a TV show, and there was a scene, where this young woman completely lost it, because her lover was killed. She was screaming in agony, crying and tearing at her hair, completely oblivious to the fact, that she can control it, and that there is no death.
I used to be like that. Everyone else around me still is like that. And they do not want to know about the truth, which is something that rather baffles me, still. But I should be focusing on why that is so important to me. Because I fear myself, ultimately. How is that possible? Anna explained it, but I forgot. And that's why I still go around, wishing people knew the truth. So I wouldn't have to jump through other people's mind's hoops, to get something done.

I looked at my hands intently today, for some reason... It was like a moment of clarity, of amazement, of gratitude, it was like Me bypassed the mind for a moment, and I thought of Veno, and Jack, and probably many others, who have said, that it is such an amazing thing, and just wait and see what happens, when you start deprogramming. I bet it feels something like this. It's awesome, really.
It happens every now and then. Maybe it's a routine system restart, every 3 months or so, that allows me to see it for but a moment. I like computer analogies.

I fucked up with the open letter, because I'm eager for people to know, and I fear myself. What a fucking crockery, come on... I ask myself at this point, do I really not fear death? Giving up the physical? I would not be pleased with loosing it, but I wouldn't panic either. I'd still be spiteful, if I had a short period to live, though. I like the physical, I've always appreciated it, been intrigued by it, always tried to experience it to the fullest, alone. I like being alone. Away from the lying, pretending people. Away from having to lie and pretend. Yet I do it. And it causes friction in me, because I still care what people think of me. I'm having a tough time figuring out how to present myself to people, whom I have to "use" for self-interest, like bosses and related.

And now I have to sleep. But I think I realised something while writing this. I fear myself. I really really fear myself, and I should just stop.

1 comment:

  1. Really enjoyed reading this Hilda- getting know you through this assisted me very much! Thankyou for your self honesty! Cathy Krafft