Monday, 12 October 2009

Arrgh, my settings are in Slovenian!

I "always" thought it'd be a good idea for English to become the only language, since it's so simple and specific.

So this is my first step in writing myself to freedom.

It's about time I stop harassing my friends and family with endlessly long mails about how wrong the world is, as I know I have ultimately been writing to myself.

I just remembered a friend who was abusing me on the phone for endless hours for the same therapeutic reasons... I allowed myself to listen to her describing her whole day in detail, so she would feel better. I was so proud of our friendship, although she was a backstabber, like we all are, more or less. I wanted to be like her, because she represented something that I was not, pretty much the only reason for wanting a relationship with someone. I have transcended that friendship a while ago, albeit through ego, but now when we see each other I try to support her with information that helped me in the beginning of process, adjusted to what I know of her own experience of the world to be.
My only advice to people is to stop the mind and focus on the breath, the first thing that worked for me, because it literally restarted me, when I had an overload.
But then I start wanting to explain the massive amount of knowledge I have gathered, and try to make it sensible to the indoctrinated one that I'm speaking to, and in that I fuck with myself.

I've had this reluctant messiah complex for years... I've always wondered about the points of unfairness in the world, and I always tried to help other people instead of focusing on myself. Because I wanted to be helped and saved, outendly. But no one will help and save me, I will have to stand up from within this literal fuck up I have accepted and allowed in this life.

I have been self-dishonest to the point of being nowhere even in the System...
I've allowed myself to disregard my primary talent, which is music, as a calling. I played the violin, and I always thought I wasn't good enough, and I wasn't that good, to tell the real honest truth :) Although my mother told me recently that my father, who was a violin professor, had a high opinion of me. But he never told me. I have good hearing, and I played well, but I was too lazy to develop any 'concert master' skill. I gave up in puberty/adolescence, when my mind was going particularly hysterical due to the situation in the family. Alcohol, cheating, screaming, financial instability... "and more!" (TV advertisement voice)
My father was into science fiction and inspired me through life to become a scientist. But I was never -that- good at math, and when combined with my laziness/focusing on others, it manifested my failing to finish my Microbiology studies. The subject did interest me though, and now I can accept info from Veno a whole lot easier than I ever expected to, because it makes sense even in my biological training terms :)

So this is the surface... I'll go in more depth later.

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