Sunday, 25 March 2012

Being skinny

Everything in my life revolved around that one single thing - how could I become skinny. Throughout my life I turned that childhood dream into a more "realistic goal" - how to achieve some normal weight, at which I wouldn't have to experience myself as ashamed of my fat folding, when I sit down.
Nothing worked, of course, but to find that out, I went through massive amounts of self abuse with no eating and over eating, exercising, being depressed and basically having a really troubled way of looking at life because of the way I look. I even ended up in a psychiatry hospital due to "depression", but in essence it was due to huge inability to accept myself the way I am.

Up to my early teens I was basically the chubby girl in class, and that was enough to make me feel completely isolated from the rest of the world. I was wondering why I am not the same as other children, but there was no satisfiable answer or cure for my condition. I grew up comparing to all these thin girls, and I felt I could never be accepted, because I looked different.

Comparison with pictures started early for me, because my mother was a ballet teacher, and I went to her classes for about 4 yrs. In the big ballet room there were pictures of beautiful ballerinas, sometimes in quite impossible positions, and I started judging myself as not agile and not pretty enough early on.
But the real agony began, when I hit puberty, and started comparing myself to other women in a sexual way, and within that developing the fear that I will never be able to have sex due to not being thin. I have actually so efficiently persuaded myself that I am not good enough for not being thin, that I stayed in my first relationship for ten years, but as soon as I lost a decent amount of weight, I started compensating for my perceived missed years, and tried to catch the attention of every male I could, whether there was attraction or repulsion - it didn't matter, as long as I felt superior within it.

The inferiority of being fat runs deep, and I balanced it with violent superiority. Within all that there was always a fair share of desperation, a feeling of isolation and rejection for not even coming close to be able to compete with the pictures in the media. I always wondered, what it was like to be so thin and perfect, and not have to worry about what one eats. I had my answer in the form of a best friend, who is today married to a rich lawyer.

We live in a world where one's physical appearance is a massive factor of survival. We need to look our best in order to get that job, that rich successful man, we need to draw people to ourselves based on our looks and the victims hidden carnal desires. We're encouraged to enhance our looks in any and every way we can. If we don't look at least comparable to pictures in media, we're shunned and left wanting, so that we never really stand up as who we are, but instead worry and fret and loose sleep over how we look, because our very survival depends on it.

Till here, no further.

That is why I am one democratic vote for the Equal Money System - it takes out the factor of survival. People will be able to be way more comfortable with their looks, and will therefore be nicer and more receptive towards each other.


  1. thank you hilda for sharing this, really cool reading! thanks!

  2. Thanks for sharing, Hilda!