As I was growing up, I slowly but surely forgot all these questions, because any and all quests for answers had brought me to a dead end. My mother was blabbering about some god that made me, which made absolutely no sense, because I couldn't remember and/or see any god. Why would a god make me and put me on such an abusive planet, full of anguish, poverty, disease, hunger, rape, torture, wars and bullies, if he's so benevolent. The explanation that he works in mysterious ways wasn't enough for me. I knew and felt that there was more to this existence than what I am perceiving, therefore I came to the conclusion that god is an evil fuck, and I will kick his ass, if I ever get the chance. I completely and utterly hated god, while claiming that he cannot exist, lol. But I essentially hated humans for believing in a god and allowing such atrocities in his name. Even my own mother. My father was more of a scientific persuasion, which suited me a whole lot more. I stuck to what I could have knowledge about by seeing and/or experiencing. I didn't need a god to bear responsibility for all my fuckups, I faced them all head on, or at least that's what I thought. Little did I know that I had built myself into my own cocoon, a world of thoughts and perceptions, completely separated from the actuality of the world I had seen and known as a child. I used to look at my parents, who were so unhappy together, yet, by the time I grew up, I had developed an illusion of love and a hope that I might experience it after all, regardless of my parents failure to peacefully coexist. My longest relationship of 10 yrs was my attempt at making love work for me in this life, but as time passed by, I was realising more and more that I was lying to myself. I couldn't stay with this person any longer after 10 yrs of trying to actualize the idea of love in my head, when my body was telling me to get the hell out after 4 yrs of trying. I broke off the relationship, and kind of realised that a life long relationship is not possible for me, because clearly the connection ends after some years of living together. I tried pursuing some more romantic endeavors, but they all failed miserably, because the ideas of love in our heads were/are just too different.
So in 2008 I was already completely disillusioned about love, I had seen Zeitgeist, which made me a little more hopeless about the situation in the world, I was quitting my faculty, because I perceived myself as unable to do it due to immense emotional distress I was going through, and I was trying to figure out what the hell to do next, now that I know that I cannot live like the rest of the world apparently can. I was a total mess, completely and utterly lost, fearful and totally constricted and limited within my own perceptions of the world. I hated everything and everyone for being dishonest and making me be dishonest with myself. I was wondering whether it wouldn't be better to just find someone, do the butterfly thing, marry them, and then cheat on them when the hormones stop working for the two of us. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with myself like that. I didn't like lying or being lied to, so how the hell could I live with myself like this until I die?
I hated everything and everyone so very much, that I started being sure, hoping and wishing that a 2012 disaster will come. It seemed imminent enough. I browsed youtube for videos on 2012, and all of them gave some vague explanations and guesses about what is going to happen. After three days of pointless searching, I clicked on a video that was waaaay down in the related videos. It was a video of a young boy, who breathed out and in in the beginning. I knew what this was, as I had investigated the channeller phenomenon, and I also found out that scientific research of it came to a dead end, with some very interesting, yet inexplicable results.
When the boy started talking, I noticed that there is something very different about this channelling, because the being talking was not being all dramatic, like with all other channellers I had seen. The being was telling me flat out that nothing is going to happen in 2012, the world will only become more fucked up, that I am responsible, along with everyone else, and that we're all equal, no one is higher than anyone else.
I couldn't believe my eyes for a while. Everything I was seeing and hearing seemed completely accurate, but I couldn't believe that I actually found what I was looking for - a solution for this world and myself. I started investigating what I had found. First I found out that the boy is not a boy, but a girl. Then I started investigating, where they want money from me. This cannot be real, this must be fake, this must be a clever hoax to make money. The desteni I process course was not existing at that time, so there was actually NO MONEY WANTED FROM ME. All that was required, was to be able to hold a reasonable dialogue with members of the forum, but I couldn't even do that back then. My ego kept jumping out with emotional tantrums, and I kept being banned for my verbal indiscretions, which only gave me additional proof that this is for real, and that these people are not kidding around.
That is how I started my Process. I watched and watched hundreds of videos, I watched them day and night. In the videos I got answers to my long forgotten questions from childhood, I had found the source for blueprints of this world and myself, and I was thrilled... But I started doing self-forgiveness for real only a year later, when I was forced to, because my family and therefore my whole "safe and secure world" fell apart, and I was left all alone to myself. That is when I stood up within and for myself by utilizing self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application. I started stopping my mind and gaining direction.
The thing that impacted me most about Desteni was the promotion of Equality. I always felt that it was amazingly unfair that some people are perceived as more than others, and I always passionately opposed that kind of thinking. I couldn't stand someone thinking that they're more important than me, and now that I think about it, that's probably why I hated god in my mind. I hated the idea of something bigger than me being in charge, since this existence is clearly not something that would be made by a divine being, but rather by an intern with a bad attitude (I'm paraphrasing George Carlin here).
When I heard what Desteni has to say, I was like: "YES!!! I do NOT have to live the way I beLIEved I would have to live!!!" I was completely delighted to finally have all the answers to questions I have long forgotten and had given up on them ever being answered. It was like coming home.
A year later Desteni came up with the Equal Money System, an actual solution for this world that is based on actual research and common sense (and is not only a pipe dream of how things should be) which I stand for as one democratic vote. I am one vote for World Equality.
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